LOCATION: Red Line. Chicago, IL. Southbound from Lawrence stop.
DATE/TIME: Saturday, December 17, 2011. Approx. 11:25 PM.
SUBJECT: Tall, thin man. Blond hair. Stubble. Everything about all of the above is scraggly. Wears a car mechanic's jumpsuit. May or may not be wearing absolutely nothing underneath it. May or may not be under the influence of massive amounts of drugs.
EVIDENCE FOR THE PRIOR STATEMENT: Subject rates highly on the talkative/social scale, low on the coherence/logical scale. Asks a number of questions to fellow passengers, including:
- "I would be a homo, but I'm too easy."
- "Hey. You wanna go to Russia? Shoot up heroin? No?"
- "Hmm? Nah. Those people. Those people there. They're Russian. That's what they are."
- "Hey. Hey. Wanna go to prison? It's just like being in the military."
Subject continues to pace within a three feet area of the train car. He turns to another passenger. "You're a nice guy," subject says. Passenger nods, smiles nervously. "I'm a nice guy," subject says. "I'm a killer," he quickly adds.
Subject then proceeds to shadowbox, shouting, "I'm a killer, I'm a killer!" Train's nervousness score slightly increases.
He later sits, reaches into a pocket on the inside of his jumpsuit. He pulls out a long, thin object; at least one passenger gasps, believing the object to be either a knife or a heroin needle. Upon further inspection, it is a clicky pen.
Subject continues to mumble. At one point, he turns to the assessor – yours truly – and asks if we're heading toward the Morse stop. "No," assessor replies. "That's a couple of stops north of us."
Subject replies: "Awwwgh!"
Assessor replies: "Oh, no worries. You can always get off later, transfer to a northbound train."
Train later stops at Addison. Directly across from this train is a northbound train. Assessor politely suggests that subject take this northbound train, that is, if he feels like going north, if he'd, uh, be into that sort of thing and uh, yeah. Subject ecstatically obliges; he hobbles to the train doors and leaves.
FINAL ANALYSIS: Subject is an amalgamation of contradictions. To paraphrase his own words: he is a nice guy, but also a killer. His lack of sexual inhibition prevents him from exploring alternate lifestyles and sexualities. Subject also appears to be very good at pushups.
Subject's current whereabouts are unknown. He is suspected to be in Russia.