Please comfort Sane. According to her post on Thursday, she's having severe stress problems. Either that, or it's MICSD (Make Impulsive Crowd Sounds Disorder).

If I bought pepper spray, I'd expect a very good warrantee on it. Think of it this way: you're face to face with a guy trying to mug you. You spray the mace in the guy's eyes, and nothing happens. He doesn't even blink.

So, with good mace, someone must test it. Who, might I ask, is the poor guy who has to be sprayed in the eyes with pepper spray every five seconds, and say "OWW! Yeah, it works"?

"Casper the Friendly Ghost". Why haven't the religious groups complained about this yet?

Who's the guy that decides which and what aisle in KMart will get "blue light specials"? Does it really matter, anyway? I mean, who goes to KMart?

"Get out of the booth, Jack."

"No, I like it in here."

You know who else, besides the inventor of oragami and modern math (if there is such thing), had too much time on their hands? The inventor of the bagpipe. According to an encyclopedia entry I looked up, the inventor has "faded into obscurity". And you know what I say to that?
I'm not surprised.

Seriously. This guy has annoyed the heck out of many at funerals and on street corners. Ever see a street-corner bagpiper (bagpipian?)? You don't want to. I'm not even sure if there is a difference between a good bagpipe player and a bad bagpipe player.

Someone I know is in Chorus. They recently performed in a concert. I wasn't able to attend, but they said I missed nothing, yet I am convinced I missed something.

Now, this person performed in a sextet. Before you start giggling and pointing at what you think is a horrible typo, think again. Look up "sextet" on the Google.
Wait, maybe that's not such a good idea. That's sort of like trying to look for "pictures of housewives" on Google and expecting an actual housewife.

Anyway, because you either already know what it means, just looked it up, or asked someone, you know what the word means. I prefer looking it up. Asking someone what a word means when the word in question could be something bad always leads to awkward situations.

So, sextet: a group of six people singing.
"Ah," you say to yourself now. "Me and my dirty mind!" you exclaim and laugh, only to be killed by an angry English teacher because, of course, you should have exclaimed, "My dirty mind and I" instead.

Now, an octet is a group of eight. This makes sense. Oct is just a prefix meaning "eight". Such as, an octopus is actually an eightopus, or an octagon is actually an eightogon.

So, my main question: since when does the prefix "sex" mean "six"? And if it doesn't, would it have killed the guys who coined musical terms for a living to just change that "e" in "sextet" to an "i" to make "sixtet"? Because, if "sex" does mean "six", then the last time I remembered, I never thought "sex" and "six people" were never to be mixed.

I've become somewhat addicted to this Ping-Pong game online. It seems that, every time I play, I get more and more convinced that my own computer has its own personality and wants to "show off" and prove that it's better than me.
Well, I already know it can beat me in an online game of Ping-Pong. According to miniclip.com, it has never been beaten before. I get very close, though. I play and play. And it beats me. All you can see representing the computer is a floating paddle, but that floating paddle always shakes silently in the air in the same manner Mickey Mouse shakes when the guy in the costume puts his hand to his face to gigle silently.

There's one thing I do know for sure, however. In a real game of Ping-Pong, my eMac could never beat me. The ball'd just bounce right off of it.

During an Improv class:

"No cotton, I'll get a rash!" one person cries out (as they are forced to say these lines).
"Then why do you want to wear that sweatshirt so badly?" the other says.
"Well, that shirt has no cotton in it!" our first person cries out.
Our other friend looks at the tag of the shirt.

"It says '50% cotton'."
"So? I'll only get 50% of a rash!" was their response.

Random Jack Handey Quote:

"One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late."

"Isn't a con artist someone who paints really depressing and negative pictures?" someone asked me recently.
It took me a few moments to think of a witty response.
"No," I said.

I'm convinced God's a pyro. Why else would he have invented fire?

Written to the US Mint:

To Whom It May Concern:

Recently, I recieved a quarter, in change. This quarter was one of your quarters commemerating the 50 states, being released in the order that the states joined the Union. The quarter (25 cents) I recieved was an "Alabama" coin, featuring famous socialist (Yes, Helen Keller was a socialist. How shocking.) Helen Keller. Above her name written in English text is Braille text that I can only assume reads "Helen Keller". I think this is a thoughtful thing to do for those who are unable to view the quarter, that is, the blind or hard of sight. But, because these dots are printed on a quarter, it is very hard to see, let alone feel these dots. Could you possibly make a larger quarter for those who are unable to see or feel the message of the coin commemerating the brave efforts of Helen Keller?

Thanks,
-Tim Rue

This dog amazes me totally.

Bork bork bork!

Beware the economists.

You know, the actual lyrics in the song "Eleanor Rigby" by The Beatles are:

"...darning his socks in the night when there's nobody there..."
but personally, I think
"...darling, it sucks in the night when there's nobody there..." makes more sense.

Things I Shouldn't Have Done This Month

-Drop my lunch tray in front of the school principal, allowing beverage to go all over.
-Said, "Are you with Jehovah's Witnesses?" to the guy from Pizza Hut.
-Tried to have a conversation with a prerecorded conversation of a presedential candidate by calling star-six-nine and attempting to call the number back (they were busy).
-Said, "I'll have the nuclear buffalo wings," at the restraunt.
-Used a tissue after trying the nuclear buffalo wings, somehow getting a very spicy, tingly sauce in my nostrils.
-Been more distracted by shadow puppets than an actual show when attending a play.
-Stomping to the door in the garage when a squirrel was climbing near it.
-Answering "maybe" to a "Did you enjoy this experience?" question on a survey.
-Answering "yes" to the question "What are the two ways that minerals are made?" when I had no idea what the answer was. (The correct answer was "yes" and "no", according to the teacher.)
-Assisting a friend counting "How many licks to the tootsie-roll center of a tootsie roll pop?"
-Still remembering the answer was "527".
-Correcting a teacher's grammar and spelling on a math worksheet. (The teacher got back by correcting my horrible math skills on that same worksheet.)

Introducing the world's most sadistic party game.

Yes is right.

How to Tell if You've Lost It
Step 1: Unusual answers to comments.

Friend: He has a good eye.
Self: What about the other one?